surviving, just surviving
by Capt. Cow
Summary: ten thoughts that Remus Lupin never wanted to share


surviving, just surviving

(or ten thoughts that Remus Lupin never wanted to share)

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it. Not making any money.

**A/N: **This story came out of another attempt at a Harry Potter fic that may never be published because it refuses to allow itself to be ended. My first attempt with the 10-thoughts format, and my first real attempt at Harry Potter characters. Would love to know what you think. This could drift from cannon slightly, but not in any really obvious ways.

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**1. **The first time that he sees Harry, in the train carriage after the Dementor, he searches for some sign of recognition in his face, something that says "I remember you, you were my Uncle Moony, and I couldn't sleep without the stuffed dog that you gave to me." He shouldn't be surprised when this doesn't come, shouldn't expect anything but the distance that strangers are treated with. It still hurts him though, when Harry accepts the chocolate warily, and watches him carefully.

**2. **Remus never forgives Dumbledore for not letting him visit Harry when he was a small child.

**3. **He knows that if it had been reversed, and he had been told to believe that James betrayed Sirius he would have fought till his dying breath to deny it. So he can never understand why he couldn't give Sirius the same consideration. (Or he can, but he doesn't want to believe that after knowing the man for so long he could have believed that he was ever going to side with his family and their beliefs over his friends.)

**4. **When he is 17 he babysits little Dora Tonks as a favour for Sirius. He makes her dinner, and they play a board-game that involves Hippogriffs trying to defeat an evil hunter. Twenty years later, all-grown-up Dora Lupin finds the same game in a dusty cupboard at her parent's house, and they play it, enjoying a brief respite from the war. He regrets so many things, but not getting to play that game with a little daughter of his own (Teddy standing in the background, moaning about how _girly_ it all is) hurts him deeply.

**5. **On their fourth mission for the Order he is hurt, badly, and Sirius makes a split-second decision, grabbing him and apparating away so that he can get medical treatment. It means that James if left behind, outnumbered. Lupin can't believe that Sirius made this decision, that he chose Remus over James. He feels even more connected to his friends after this, and never tells them just how nice it was to not be the junior partner for a change. (8 months later James and Lily are dead, and Remus can't help but think of this memory without wondering if it was the beginning of Sirius's slide to betrayal. The first stage of his separating himself from his best friend. It goes from one of his best memories, to his most hated.)

**6. **He spent so many years wanting to know why James and Lily didn't trust him enough to bring him in on the Fidelius Charm secret, some of those years hating them for their lack of trust, after all the times he had proven himself. When he finally sees them again though, the joy and happiness in their faces that they are together again, he doesn't think to ask.

**7. **Part of Remus (a part that he doesn't like very much) blames Harry for Sirius's death. He can't help but wish the boy wasn't so impulsive, wish he hadn't rushed off, wish he hadn't let himself be manipulated right into a trap. Whenever he has these thoughts the other part of his brain says that Harry was a child, and James's child no less- so the impulsiveness could not be ignored. He thinks that Sirius had wanted to get out of that house for _months_, and that if he had to go at least he went happy. But his death just seems so _preventable_ and Remus needs someone to blame.

Years later, when Remus is shouted into submission by Harry, and returns to his family, the need to blame lessens slightly- because at least along with James's destructive impulsiveness is Lily's heart, and James's loyalty.

**8.** James and Sirius always wanted to be Aurors, James from about when he was born, and Sirius from the minute he was sorted into Gryffindor and realised that he didn't have to follow the path that had been laid before him. Peter wanted to work in the Ministry, (Remus always pictured him as a junior assistant somewhere) and Lily could never decide what she wanted to do, because there were so many options and she wanted to try every single one. Remus wanted to teach, to share knowledge, to mentor others. When he has to leave his job at Hogwarts it hurts, therefore, much more than he cares to admit.

**9. **When Bill Weasley is attacked by Fenrir Greyback everyone goes on and on about how terrible it is, the scars, how his life might not be the same. Remus thinks _lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky. _

**10.** After Harry was born Remus could never understand why Lily and James kept fighting. The Order was dangerous, and staying involved was like painting a target on your back. When Harry was three months old James was missing, presumed dead for almost a week (and would have been too, if Sirius wasn't the most pig-headed man in the world, and Lily his equally stubborn ally). And still they were involved, Lily planning missions, James still doing crazily dangerous things. When Teddy is born though, Lupin understands with a lightening bolt of clarity. He loves his son, loves him so much he doesn't know where all the emotion is coming from. And immediately, the minute he sees the tiny baby, all he can think is that the world is a dangerous place. His brain switches to action mode, and all he wants to do is get outside and make all the bad things just _go away_ so this tiny, tiny person who is half him and half Dora can do anything and everything that he ever wants to.

He wakes up in the afterlife, and wonders if James and Lily feel the same regrets that he does. Now that all is said and done he can't help but think that the world would have been less dangerous for his son if he was there with him.


End file.
